collection of best funny Facebook status

• Kid's dad joined Facebook, kid posted on his wall : "WTF!" Dad asked him "what is WTF?" kid replied him "Welcome to Facebook".
• Grammar is important. For instance, commas save lives: "Let's eat grandpa". "Lets eat, grandpa".
• ih yas 2 detnaw tsuj i taht tuo dnif u nehw gnitatirri yrev ti dnif yam u..... CONFUSED?? now read it backwards!!
• I'm retired. I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today.
• Why do old people drive like they have all the time in the world, but young people drive like their days are limited?
• Hated when old aunts came up to me after weddings and said "you are next". They stopped that when I did the same to them after funerals.
• Wonders who decided that paper beats rock? Have someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of their face, then throw a rock at it. Who wins?
• If you see a guy opening a car door for a girl, it's one of two things: either a new girl, or a new car!
• If a girl from Iceland and a guy from Cuba have a kid. Will he be an icecube?
• Dear Homework, You're Not Attractive and I'm Not Doing You.
• You broke my heart into several pieces. That's Good! Now I can give it to several girls.
• Osama Bin laden: World champion of hide and seek since 2001.
• I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"
• When someone sees you crying, and asks: "Are you sad?" Punch them in the face, and ask: "Are you okay?"
• My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL."
• H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K = Half of My Energy Wasted on Random Krap!
• Roses are red, violets are blue, friend requests are good but who the hell are you??
• My computer just beat me at chess.But it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• Who said nothing is impossible. I have been doing nothing from the past hour.
• To Catch Me, You Gotta Be Fast. To Find Me, You Gotta Be Smart. To Be Me? Shit! You Gotta Be Kidding! 
• Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
• Fact 1: You can't touch all your teeth with your tongue. Fact 2: Now, all the fools will try it. Fact 3: Now you will be smiling.
• ATTEMPTING TO GIVE A DAMN ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓░ 87% complete. ERROR: I don't give a damn!
• Dear god, if u give us back Bob Marley and Tupac. You can have Bieber and Miley.